What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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