Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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