he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
