You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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