I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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