Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
