I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
