Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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