He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
