Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
