im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
