whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There's always time for handjobs
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
