Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
