I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
