Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
