Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
