She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
