When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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