At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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