I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
