Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
