just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
