just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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