maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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