This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
