Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
you're hired as official boob wrangler
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
