it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
