So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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