Swine flu. Run for my life!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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