It's Friday. Sex?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
