I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
