dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
im six kinds of drunk right now
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
