i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
