she's into porn, im staying here tonight
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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