her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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