My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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