She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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