You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
