Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
