I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
