i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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