I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
