Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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