I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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