hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
