Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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