you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
