Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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