Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
