I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
