I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize